Jumping

What has lead you to this moment?

You, pupils dilated under the interrogation light of the moon

You, soaked in questions asked by the unconscious of your mind

You, age seventeen and a year

You will not say eighteen

You will not say nineteen or twenty

Maybe, someday, you will bend to the will of the fifties

But you have seen young visionaries turn fifty when their intact minds are not ready

You have seen them shot down by believing their birthday candles are flare guns

Distressed by the thought that life is as elusive as water running out of their cupped hands

So, seventeen you will stay

Seventeen, when the responsibilities of the law and love keep a careful distance

Seventeen, when every great thing you do is accented by the glitter and confetti of youth

When your accomplishments stand out against the respect you were never given

When risk is not a factor

For nobody was listening to the ideas you presented

They could not hear the ones that would trip over their own feet, failing and falling

They could not hear the gold winged ones lifting off

They were unprepared, unguarded

Taken down by the magnificent underdog that is seventeen

Of course, seventeen is creative, not courageous

It is not willing to own up to the questions that need answering

The ones that pull on the hems of its clothes, begging to know when and why and how

Seventeen stands, feet firmly planted in the roof top’s concrete edge

It thinks of all that has lead it to this moment

Of how it was almost a casualty of a million misguided coincidences

Of how there are more than a trillion one-in-a-million disasters

Of how its guardian angel must be an FBI agent with sixth and seventh senses

Seventeen and one year stands here

gasping at gravity

Looking down

Thinking of why not to jump

Thinking of christmas lights and sleeping late enough that your mom checks in on you, making sure your covers still rise and fall with life

Thinking of music, the songs that take your memories and seal them in photo protection sleeves, saving them from fade and soil until you want to pull them out on a rainy day to listen

Thinking of warmth, of bookstores with the pages like uncracked egg shells, of latte foam mustaches, of new sweaters and old sweaters and running as the sun hugs your calves

Thinking of your best friends, of your family, of every person who you’ve ever looked at and thought

You are beautiful and inspiring and I would be less alive without you

But then again, maybe these are the reasons to jump

Because this roof is only ten feet tall

And there is no concrete beneath here

There is simply starlight and life and water

And you

know how to swim

Eighteen

I turned eighteen when the world was cooked by summer, long overdone and burnt, the timer still ticking until the crisp cooling rack of fall would come and color it auburn and mahogany and gold

I turned eighteen when the world was ravaged by spinning waves of rain and cracking tremors, the crust of the earth breaking like bread, giving thanks for what was saved and saying prayers for what was not

I turned eighteen when the most hated man in america was our president and the second most hated was our opposing neighbors, our friends turned foes by eyes that could never see the same sights and liberal versus conservative views that fueled fights, a hatred brewing across a country that has United in its name

I turned eighteen when everything was falling apart just as everything was coming together, the scribbles and scraps of my life stitched together with candy floss, sticky-sweet and easily dissolved

I turned eighteen with a mind of mismatched dreams and a heart of jalapeno seeds, burning with this desire to love and to live and to make the right decision, even when there was no wrong decision and everything felt like the wrong decision but it was going to be alright

I turned eighteen when I sat at a table in the moonlight, surrounded by glowy people who sang love and laughed life, blowing out candles and wishing for everyone to get along

It’s okay to say what you wish for when you don’t get them all out in one blow, when a few still flicker there, burning up this hope that frosting dreams would come true effortlessly. It’s okay to say what you wish for because after a certain number of years, you realize that the only peace every wish for world peace brought was a piece of cake

I turned eighteen as my parents filled my car with gas and I filled out college applications, as adulthood loomed and came and seemed so far away

When I turned eighteen, I did not become an adult.

I became an adult when I turned six and learned to read, when I had this limitless door opened to me that would rush my soul around the world, that would cultivate my heart and overflow my mind and bring me unrelinquishing joy

I became an adult when I turned eight and first felt a quake of anxiety, a heart bending force that would follow me closely, nudging me to achieve, stapling my spine against a yardstick of goals, each notch a little further up

I became an adult when I turned fifteen and realized that busy is nothing more than a state of mind, that communication and scheduling and only six hours of sleep can get you far, that a support system is the most crucial crutch in the world

I became an adult when I turned sixteen, when terrible things happened and they did not kill me, when I got miles away from my comfort zone and it did not kill me, when I got my driver's license and I did not kill me

I became an adult when I turned seventeen, when I found my best friends and found myself, when I found the horrible things in the world and found some beautiful ones, when I found out how instantaneous our lives can be

I became an adult when I turned eighteen, when I had my heartbroken, not by some boy with a quiet mind and hungry hands, but by the steady running out of my heartbeat, my soul tarnishing under the rushing stream of self doubt and defeated tears. I became an adult when I learned that there is always a person who will say that you are not good enough and many more people who will know that you are, that it is up to you who you believe. It is up to you to take your tarnished soul and scrub, scrub until the gold shines through. It is up to you to work and work and work, to know that it may be a very long time before your efforts are rewarded, to know that you may never be rewarded. I became an adult when I understood that the reward sometimes lies where you did not expect it to be, that if you work you will always be exactly where you are supposed to be, even if it is not where you want to be

I needed to turn many more things before I would become an adult. I needed to catch love in my fingertips, to feel it beating against my skin. I needed to work and to own a home and to pay taxes, to do the things I do not yet know how to do. I needed to feel tragedy breathing ice down my shoulder blades, to hold a tiny life in my arms. I did not know if I would turn these things, if I would ever turn an adult, if life would ever graciously gift me with time to try.

I turned eighteen when the world was warm and broken and ready, ready to be explored and held tightly and changed. I turned eighteen and was as close and as far from being an adult as I would ever be. I turned eighteen and knew, deep in my heart, nothing would ever be the same.

Metal Bodies: Chapter 11

Emme stood still as Alex scolded him. “Are you serious,” Alex snapped with a disciplinary tone as he stared at Emme. The kid opposite the tracks was taken aback by this question. Emme stepped forward and over the tracks in front of him. “I want to clear things up, I think that’s why we got into this… situation.” The confusion was then traded. Alex held for a moment. “Wait are you…” he spoke.

“I didn't trust you.”

“You didn’t trust me, why? I didn’t do anything that could have made you like that.”

“You knocked me out, and other things just kept piling up and I didn’t know how to handle it. And I know I jumped to conclusions, but we could have fixed this before we had anything happen.” After Emme confessed this, Alex’s eye widened, and he began to swivel his view from him to any other thing in the barren landscape. “We can talk when we're driving or eating, but I- we will talk,” he concluded.

“Are you sure we need to? I mean… we trust each other now don’t we?” There was a silent pause as Alex watched him continue stepping forward. “Emme, what are you doing?”

“Huh, oh I was just going to go get some food,” Emme stated as he was half the way between the vehicle and Alex.

“Should we get out any more food cans? Because there are like eight out right now.” Emme asked gathering up the cans that had rolled out. Alex mumbled a response as he rummaged through the inside of the jeep. Emme rested his arms on the open passenger side window. “Was that a yes or a no?” he asked. Alex nervously answered no, then returned to searching through the jeep. Nothing was out of place. It seemed as if Emme had delayed himself for Alex to complete his look over before he entered. Following this, he hoisted himself through the moonroof and sat atop the jeep. Alex popped his head out to see Emme dangling his legs off the side. He then retrieved out of his coat the combat knife that had nearly sat in his chest, along with that, half of the cans he grabbed from the ground. After raising himself onto the roof, Alex sat down next to the boy. Emme stabbed into the top of the can, cut off the lid, and poured its contents into his mouth. Alex rubbed his face and groaned, and then let his arms slump into his lap. He stared out into the horizon, “What are we gonna do?” he breathed. After emptying his first can, Emme looked over to Alex. “We’re gonna go to the next place on the map,” Emme pointed out.

“You were out cold when he burned it, weren’t you?”

“What was burned?”

“The map was burned. Along with that, the music player was also destroyed.”

“So… that’s what happened when I was knocked out.”

“Yeah, after you left, I was just standing by the road. Next thing I know the jeep comes rolling back. It stops and outsteps Stone Hand. He threw the music thing at me. I was caught off guard, but I moved out of the way. And like… I must’ve stepped weird or something cuz I fell to the ground afterword.”

“Did the music thing break once it hit the ground, or what?”

“I think that’s what happened. Anyway… I hit the ground, got tied up, and was thrown into the passenger’s seat. Every now and then I would look back and see you just… laying there on top of those cans.”

“Speaking of cans, do you want your cans now or later?”

“Now would be great. Also, it was like ten minutes before you woke up that Stone Hand burned the map,” Alex noted this, received his cans, and sat them by his side. He was then handed the knife. Alex repeated Emme’s actions on his own cans. Emme stood up and attempted to see anything in the distance. He then sat down, disappointed with his results. “So what was it that happened back in Rodentown?” Alex inquired after gulping down the last bits of his first can. Emme sighed and recalled “I got back, there was this sermon thing happening. Then the guy who chased us on our way out, he was sort of fronting on me. But a knife flew at him and stabbed him in the neck. Stone hand was the one who threw it, and after that he chased after me and knocked me out.”

“Did… did the guy die?” Alex croaked, then mumbled something under his breath.

“I don’t know, but I don’t think that he would live with such a wound.”

“How would… Let’s get going.”

“Now? You sure you don't want to finish eating?” By the time Emme asked this, Alex had hopped off the roof, swung opened the passenger side door of the jeep, and began to get inside. Emme returned the remaining cans to his coat and returned to the driver’s seat. Emme started the jeep “I’m just gonna start going forward,” he commented. Just as the jeep began to move, Alex’s hand shot out and gripped Emme’s arm. “Stop, we don’t want to go forward,” he objected.

“What are you doing?”

“I remember the route we were gonna take was down the train tracks. So going forward wouldn’t be the best action to take.”

“Yeah I saw that, it just slipped my mind for a second there,” Emme said with a voice as solid as jelly.

“Go left, that's the way you want to go.”

“On it,” Emme broke off as he began to drive parallel to the train tracks.

The jeep soon got off the ground and had wheels on the road. The two sat in silence before Emme popped a question “Hey, why did you knock me out?” Alex took a peek at Emme from the corner of his eye. “Why do you care, we trust each other,” Alex answered nervously.

“What kind of excuse is that? Of course I trust you, at least now that we both almost died. It’s just that I want closure.”

“Oh, I just don’t… nevermind.”

“Just answer the question. I just want to discuss this.”

“Fine, the reason I knocked you out was because I freaked out about you having a settlement,” Alex’s speech began to gradually quicken “Like, I just wanted to dump this medicine that I found in that house. But I didn’t know if it was good, so I was just gonna dump it on someone. Then you showed up and I thought ‘Oh I’ll just dump them on this guy, he’ll leave, and it’ll be gone.’ But then you said you were from that town and I didn’t want a mob coming to my house and killing me because someone died from the medicine.”

“That’s not how medicine works, it’s not like food where if it’s old it goes bad. It just becomes less potent.”

“Oh… wait are you a doctor?”

“No, I spent a lot of time with a doctor. Also, why didn’t you just bury the medicine or literally throw it out?”

“I was told a lot of reasons as to why that wouldn’t work.”

“Who told you-- What is that?” Emme and Alex watched as they drove past a rusted red building. It wasn’t long before the two were met with a thin town. “We’ve arrived, but where are we?” Emme wondered as the jeep came to a stop. Before either of them could act, a figure walked up and tapped on Emme’s window. The figure wore a cloak that covered everything below his neck. And at his neck was a brooch, containing a green gem, that pinned the cloak together. Even his head was obscured by a ski mask, revealing only his blue eyes and mouth. Emme hesitated before opening his window. Once the gap between them was clear the figure spoke. “This town barely gets any travelers, so why are you two here?” he interrogated with a semi-deep voice and steady tone. “We- We’re here to… um we got in some trouble, and just, this is where we ended up,” Emme explained.

“You got into trouble. Now I’m not sayin’ you're lying to me, but what do you mean by trouble.”

“We got taken by this guy, and we were gonna be killed by this train. But he killed himself before anything could happen. So we started moving again and this is where we ended up.”

“... What did this guy look like?”

“He had like armor and like this mask thing on. And he was big, tall, and strong.”

“... Welp,” after this was blurted out everyone sat with the buzz of the engine being the only sound in the air. “That doesn’t make that solid of a description, but we’ll talk later so you can explain what happened in more detail,” he decreed whilst rubbing his chin. Alex leaned past Emme “Ask me anything about that if you want to know something,” he insisted.

“Follow me and I’ll show you where you can park your car,” he said completely disregarding what Alex had just said.

Emme drove sluggishly as he followed the man to a gigantic clearing with hundreds of cars, trucks, jeeps, and other vehicles in rows. The range of the conditions of them were from a car so pristine and shiny it looked like it had been cleaned every day of its existence. On the other end, some seemed to be unidentifiable of what it was due to extensive chunks of them being dismantled and removed. The man directed them to a space to park. As soon as Emme shut off the jeep, the man took out a green spray paint can from the inside of his cloak. He swiftly painted a check mark onto the back of the jeep. Emme and Alex exited and met with the man in the open pathway between the cars. The man walked away, the two following behind him. Alex leaned over and whispered into Emme’s ear “Why did you follow what he said?” He looked over and whispered directly at Alex’s face “I didn’t want to get into any trouble, seeing as what already happened in Rodentown.”

“... You’re right. So what about this guy? His not giving too many signals.”

“What are you talking about? From the mask and cloak, he’s probably hiding something from outsiders, or other people in general. And he must have some form of importance to this town seeing as he was the first to meet us.”

“Why-... Oh I see, he's got to be some guard or something like that.”

“Kinda like the person we first met at Rodentown.”

“... Can we not talk about that pla-,” Alex was cut off as the man started talking. “By the way, my name's Chadwick,” he added with a tired tone.

The three finally returned to a road. To the horizon they all saw orderly unbuilt houses, buildings, and areas that seemed as if a house should have been there. Even the telephone poles were missing. In certain spots Emme and Alex saw groups of workers wondering about, talking to each other by one of the half way dismantled homes. Chadwick waited for the two to stop staring before he started roaming again. “So where are we going?” Alex asked with an optimistic seeming tone. Chadwick looked back to Emme and Alex. “We’re heading to the lodge. That way you can get used to where you're gonna sleep,” he answered.

“We don’t need to sleep we’re gonna take a short rest, and then pass through here.”

“... Oh, well I’ll tell you what I mean when we get there.”

“O… K…” Alex looked over at Emme and both of them shared a quizzical but cautious glance. Alex threw a look back to where they had just been.

Chadwick pulled out a ring of keys and unlocked one of the doors into the lodge. It stood at the edge of town and was one of the few buildings Emme and Alex had seen before parking the jeep. Chadwick walked in, Alex waited a few moments before following him, with Emme coming last. Before the door firmly closed, he stuck the bottle of rubbing alcohol in between the door and the frame. The inside of the lodge was broken up into three areas. A bedding area that had rows and rows of bunk beds, some more improved than others. A living area with tables, couches, and book shelves. And the final area was merely a mound of cans that piled to the ceiling. All of this is barely seen through the sliver of light slipping through the doorway. Alex stumbled through the darkness, grabbing at tables and chairs before he tripped onto a couch. Chadwick walked almost robotically to a wall. He pulled out a match, lit it, revealing a red pattern jutting out. As soon as he tossed the match into the wall, the living area was warmed in the orange glow of fire. Alex shifted his legs and his body to where he was sitting up. He gazed over the contents of the lodge and emitted a single “huh”. Emme wandered about, trying to decipher the dim words labeled on the cans, testing the bounce of one of the beds, and stopped as he sat down at one of the many tables. Chadwick appeared as a cloaked phantom drifting from the fireplace to the one table Emme sat at. The phantom retrieved and set down a leather-bound book from the inside of his cloak. Pulling out the book was a black leather glove with a fountain pen attached to the index finger, with the nib looking like a long metal nail. He cracked open the book to a half filled page, and wrote down numbers, letters, and symbols. The door opened and Alex walked out into the town. “So what was it that happened before you got here,” Chadwick interrogated as he penned things down. Emme began explaining how he got here, beginning with his return to Rodentown and him being knocked out. “So then I woke up in that jeep, and we were at these train tracks and me and that guy… fought, but then he just stood in the tracks, then a train came by… and he died,” he professed trying to avoid saying what lead to such a situation. With every word that was said, Chadwick copied it down. When the final syllable was transcribed, he looked up from his book. He closed and shoved it back from where it came. “Damn it, I thought I locked that door.” Chadwick burst from his chair to the door, unlocked it, swung it open, and disappeared before Emme knew what happened. The silence was safe, but the dread of what was happening ate at Emme. He gripped the combat knife in one of his pockets, got up, and left the lodge.

Metal Bodies: Chapter 10

Emme stood still as Alex scolded him. “Are you serious,” Alex snapped with a disciplinary tone as he stared at Emme. The kid opposite the tracks was taken aback by this question. Emme stepped forward and over the tracks in front of him. “I want to clear things up, I think that’s why we got into this… situation.” The confusion was then traded. Alex held for a moment. “Wait are you…” he spoke.

“I didn't trust you.”

“You didn’t trust me, why? I didn’t do anything that could have made you like that.”

“You knocked me out, and other things just kept piling up and I didn’t know how to handle it. And I know I jumped to conclusions, but we could have fixed this before we had anything happen.” After Emme confessed this, Alex’s eye widened, and he began to swivel his view from him to any other thing in the barren landscape. “We can talk when we're driving or eating, but I- we will talk,” he concluded.

“Are you sure we need to? I mean… we trust each other now don’t we?” There was a silent pause as Alex watched him continue stepping forward. “Emme, what are you doing?”

“Huh, oh I was just going to go get some food,” Emme stated as he was half the way between the vehicle and Alex.

“Should we get out any more food cans? Because there are like eight out right now.” Emme asked gathering up the cans that had rolled out. Alex mumbled a response as he rummaged through the inside of the jeep. Emme rested his arms on the open passenger side window. “Was that a yes or a no?” he asked. Alex nervously answered no, then returned to searching through the jeep. Nothing was out of place. It seemed as if Emme had delayed himself for Alex to complete his look over before he entered. Following this, he hoisted himself through the moonroof and sat atop the jeep. Alex popped his head out to see Emme dangling his legs off the side. He then retrieved out of his coat the combat knife that had nearly sat in his chest, along with that, half of the cans he grabbed from the ground. After raising himself onto the roof, Alex sat down next to the boy. Emme stabbed into the top of the can, cut off the lid, and poured its contents into his mouth. Alex rubbed his face and groaned, and then let his arms slump into his lap. He stared out into the horizon, “What are we gonna do?” he breathed. After emptying his first can, Emme looked over to Alex. “We’re gonna go to the next place on the map,” Emme pointed out.

“You were out cold when he burned it, weren’t you?”

“What was burned?”

“The map was burned. Along with that, the music player was also destroyed.”

“So… that’s what happened when I was knocked out.”

“Yeah, after you left, I was just standing by the road. Next thing I know the jeep comes rolling back. It stops and outsteps Stone Hand. He threw the music thing at me. I was caught off guard, but I moved out of the way. And like… I must’ve stepped weird or something cuz I fell to the ground afterword.”

“Did the music thing break once it hit the ground, or what?”

“I think that’s what happened. Anyway… I hit the ground, got tied up, and was thrown into the passenger’s seat. Every now and then I would look back and see you just… laying there on top of those cans.”

“Speaking of cans, do you want your cans now or later?”

“Now would be great. Also, it was like ten minutes before you woke up that Stone Hand burned the map,” Alex noted this, received his cans, and sat them by his side. He was then handed the knife. Alex repeated Emme’s actions on his own cans. Emme stood up and attempted to see anything in the distance. He then sat down, disappointed with his results. “So what was it that happened back in Rodentown?” Alex inquired after gulping down the last bits of his first can. Emme sighed and recalled “I got back, there was this sermon thing happening. Then the guy who chased us on our way out, he was sort of fronting on me. But a knife flew at him and stabbed him in the neck. Stone hand was the one who threw it, and after that he chased after me and knocked me out.”

“Did… did the guy die?” Alex croaked, then mumbled something under his breath.

“I don’t know, but I don’t think that he would live with such a wound.”

“How would… Let’s get going.”

“Now? You sure you don't want to finish eating?” By the time Emme asked this, Alex had hopped off the roof, swung opened the passenger side door of the jeep, and began to get inside. Emme returned the remaining cans to his coat and returned to the driver’s seat. Emme started the jeep “I’m just gonna start going forward,” he commented. Just as the jeep began to move, Alex’s hand shot out and gripped Emme’s arm. “Stop, we don’t want to go forward,” he objected.

“What are you doing?”

“I remember the route we were gonna take was down the train tracks. So going forward wouldn’t be the best action to take.”

“Yeah I saw that, it just slipped my mind for a second there,” Emme said with a voice as solid as jelly.

“Go left, that's the way you want to go.”

“On it,” Emme broke off as he began to drive parallel to the train tracks.

The jeep soon got off the ground and had wheels on the road. The two sat in silence before Emme popped a question “Hey, why did you knock me out?” Alex took a peek at Emme from the corner of his eye. “Why do you care, we trust each other,” Alex answered nervously.

“What kind of excuse is that? Of course I trust you, at least now that we both almost died. It’s just that I want closure.”

“Oh, I just don’t… nevermind.”

“Just answer the question. I just want to discuss this.”

“Fine, the reason I knocked you out was because I freaked out about you having a settlement,” Alex’s speech began to gradually quicken “Like, I just wanted to dump this medicine that I found in that house. But I didn’t know if it was good, so I was just gonna dump it on someone. Then you showed up and I thought ‘Oh I’ll just dump them on this guy, he’ll leave, and it’ll be gone.’ But then you said you were from that town and I didn’t want a mob coming to my house and killing me because someone died from the medicine.”

“That’s not how medicine works, it’s not like food where if it’s old it goes bad. It just becomes less potent.”

“Oh… wait are you a doctor?”

“No, I spent a lot of time with a doctor. Also, why didn’t you just bury the medicine or literally throw it out?”

“I was told a lot of reasons as to why that wouldn’t work.”

“Who told you-- What is that?” Emme and Alex watched as they drove past a rusted red building. It wasn’t long before the two were met with a thin town. “We’ve arrived, but where are we?” Emme wondered as the jeep came to a stop. Before either of them could act, a figure walked up and tapped on Emme’s window. The figure wore a cloak that covered everything below his neck. And at his neck was a brooch, containing a green gem, that pinned the cloak together. Even his head was obscured by a ski mask, revealing only his blue eyes and mouth. Emme hesitated before opening his window. Once the gap between them was clear the figure spoke. “This town barely gets any travelers, so why are you two here?” he interrogated with a semi-deep voice and steady tone. “We- We’re here to… um we got in some trouble, and just, this is where we ended up,” Emme explained.

“You got into trouble. Now I’m not sayin’ you're lying to me, but what do you mean by trouble.”

“We got taken by this guy, and we were gonna be killed by this train. But he killed himself before anything could happen. So we started moving again and this is where we ended up.”

“... What did this guy look like?”

“He had like armor and like this mask thing on. And he was big, tall, and strong.”

“... Welp,” after this was blurted out everyone sat with the buzz of the engine being the only sound in the air. “That doesn’t make that solid of a description, but we’ll talk later so you can explain what happened in more detail,” he decreed whilst rubbing his chin. Alex leaned past Emme “Ask me anything about that if you want to know something,” he insisted.

“Follow me and I’ll show you where you can park your car,” he said completely disregarding what Alex had just said.

Emme drove sluggishly as he followed the man to a gigantic clearing with hundreds of cars, trucks, jeeps, and other vehicles in rows. The range of the conditions of them were from a car so pristine and shiny it looked like it had been cleaned every day of its existence. On the other end, some seemed to be unidentifiable of what it was due to extensive chunks of them being dismantled and removed. The man directed them to a space to park. As soon as Emme shut off the jeep, the man took out a green spray paint can from the inside of his cloak. He swiftly painted a check mark onto the back of the jeep. Emme and Alex exited and met with the man in the open pathway between the cars. The man walked away, the two following behind him. Alex leaned over and whispered into Emme’s ear “Why did you follow what he said?” He looked over and whispered directly at Alex’s face “I didn’t want to get into any trouble, seeing as what already happened in Rodentown.”

“... You’re right. So what about this guy? His not giving too many signals.”

“What are you talking about? From the mask and cloak, he’s probably hiding something from outsiders, or other people in general. And he must have some form of importance to this town seeing as he was the first to meet us.”

“Why-... Oh I see, he's got to be some guard or something like that.”

“Kinda like the person we first met at Rodentown.”

“... Can we not talk about that pla-,” Alex was cut off as the man started talking. “By the way, my name's Chadwick,” he added with a tired tone.

The three finally returned to a road. To the horizon they all saw orderly unbuilt houses, buildings, and areas that seemed as if a house should have been there. Even the telephone poles were missing. In certain spots Emme and Alex saw groups of workers wondering about, talking to each other by one of the half way dismantled homes. Chadwick waited for the two to stop staring before he started roaming again. “So where are we going?” Alex asked with an optimistic seeming tone. Chadwick looked back to Emme and Alex. “We’re heading to the lodge. That way you can get used to where you're gonna sleep,” he answered.

“We don’t need to sleep we’re gonna take a short rest, and then pass through here.”

“... Oh, well I’ll tell you what I mean when we get there.”

“O… K…” Alex looked over at Emme and both of them shared a quizzical but cautious glance. Alex threw a look back to where they had just been.

Chadwick pulled out a ring of keys and unlocked one of the doors into the lodge. It stood at the edge of town and was one of the few buildings Emme and Alex had seen before parking the jeep. Chadwick walked in, Alex waited a few moments before following him, with Emme coming last. Before the door firmly closed, he stuck the bottle of rubbing alcohol in between the door and the frame. The inside of the lodge was broken up into three areas. A bedding area that had rows and rows of bunk beds, some more improved than others. A living area with tables, couches, and book shelves. And the final area was merely a mound of cans that piled to the ceiling. All of this is barely seen through the sliver of light slipping through the doorway. Alex stumbled through the darkness, grabbing at tables and chairs before he tripped onto a couch. Chadwick walked almost robotically to a wall. He pulled out a match, lit it, revealing a red pattern jutting out. As soon as he tossed the match into the wall, the living area was warmed in the orange glow of fire. Alex shifted his legs and his body to where he was sitting up. He gazed over the contents of the lodge and emitted a single “huh”. Emme wandered about, trying to decipher the dim words labeled on the cans, testing the bounce of one of the beds, and stopped as he sat down at one of the many tables. Chadwick appeared as a cloaked phantom drifting from the fireplace to the one table Emme sat at. The phantom retrieved and set down a leather-bound book from the inside of his cloak. Pulling out the book was a black leather glove with a fountain pen attached to the index finger, with the nib looking like a long metal nail. He cracked open the book to a half filled page, and wrote down numbers, letters, and symbols. The door opened and Alex walked out into the town. “So what was it that happened before you got here,” Chadwick interrogated as he penned things down. Emme began explaining how he got here, beginning with his return to Rodentown and him being knocked out. “So then I woke up in that jeep, and we were at these train tracks and me and that guy… fought, but then he just stood in the tracks, then a train came by… and he died,” he professed trying to avoid saying what lead to such a situation. With every word that was said, Chadwick copied it down. When the final syllable was transcribed, he looked up from his book. He closed and shoved it back from where it came. “Damn it, I thought I locked that door.” Chadwick burst from his chair to the door, unlocked it, swung it open, and disappeared before Emme knew what happened. The silence was safe, but the dread of what was happening ate at Emme. He gripped the combat knife in one of his pockets, got up, and left the lodge.

Inner Speak

In the morning, my inner monologue wears mismatched pajamas with one button that doesn’t line up

And in the afternoon, a black blazer and patent leather pumps that click against my veins

And at night, she dazzles in a teal chiffon prom dress that twirls out full and wide and maybe has a bit too much glitter

My inner monologue speaks in a british accent after too much Downton Abbey

And gets a little dramatic- and a little latino- after too much Jane the Virgin

And says things like “my hands grasped the cold brass doorknob” after making a bed cocoon, binge reading books until emerging in a butterfly of tied up pages and burst open metaphors

My inner monologue talks in tweets and captions and song lyrics

In tiny nibbles of poetry belonging to missing authors

It speaks in soft smiles and flowery whispers

Barely there

Vapory ideas for smoke cloud dreams

It speaks loudly and proudly

It screams things for the people in the back

Angry and excited and sometimes rambling

Often times rambling

Okay, Always rambling

It takes big, gasping breaths between phrases

Loading up with air to belt and pelt words at me

Telling me to stop

To listen

My inner monologue says things it doesn’t mean

Says things it shouldn’t mean

My inner monologue can be a real bitch

And yes, my inner monologue cusses

Which is why I have to put her through the purest, pickiest filter

Sometimes, I just want her to be quiet

When she stutters out thoughts of failure against my heavy hitting heart

As my hands slick against my racquet

My fingers shake along the keys

My tongue dries against the words that beg to be let out

I listen to her berate me

Degrade me

Tell me I could lose a few pounds

That Nobody will ever look at the lines of perfect people and chose to love the mess of red hair and long legs and lostness that is me

That I will fail every time I try

That those girls over there, they do not like me

And those boys over there, they never will

My inner monologue nags me, says that my body's a temple I am gratifying with chocolate cake and six hours of sleep

And I am breaking the environment with every carbon footprint I place

And I should be helping more

So I push her down

Until she curls up in my pinky toe

Small and afraid

I feel bad for her

She is lost without my brain

Lost without the colorful inspirations that fuel her

I tell her to come back

I tell her it’s okay, I will not hurt her

She peeks up from my ankles

Checks twice to make sure it’s all clear

Then she sprints up my legs

Bounding about my body

Speaking tongue twisters that unravel rapidly and wind around my mouth

Yelling like a tiny child, learning a new trick

“Look!! LOOK! Did you hear what I said???”

And sometimes I just want to yell

SHUT UP

Grab her by the collar and push her up against the wall

Because she is never, ever silent

And I wouldn’t mind some quiet

But she is endearing

And she keeps me alive

She is the pageant mom in the stands of toddlers and tiaras

Pushing me when I resist

Telling me “I can do this”

Believing that I deserve the world

Celebrating when I win it

She holds my hand when I am lost

Nudges me in the right direction

Coaxing me to figure it out

Get stuff done

My inner monologue is the most hypocritical

Passively political

Averagely atypical

Infuriatingly fickle little voice

And sometimes, I wish my inner monologue

Would chose to be a bit more outer

Exposing opinions and injustices

Dreams and Ideas

But she stays inner

Private, waiting

Perched on the tip of my tongue

Ready for when I finally decide

To speak out